Thoughts in opposition and elation to the self
2023-08-05
Dear friend,
Two young goldfish are swimming along.
An older goldfish passes them, swimming in the other direction. As she does, she says, “Morning. How’s the water today?”
The two young fish continue swimming. After a minute, one turns to the other and says, “What’s water?”
***
I love this story for how it makes me aware that the most important part of my reality may sometimes be the thing that I most take for granted.
Why do we do this?
Survival. The goldfish were born in water. They swim in water every day. It’s just there. More important than this invisible stuff that surrounds them at all times is looking for predators, for food, or for other new stuff in their environment.
Our brains are biased toward novel input or information, a feature/bug that neuroscientist David Eagleman calls infotropism.
The root -tropic means something we move toward. Phototropic plants move toward light. Infotropic brains seek out new information.
This is an example of how two people can be living in the same world and occupy such different realities, with neither of them being “wrong.” Our brains are not evolved to reflect reality as it is. We are evolved to become aware of the aspects of our environment most critical to our survival.
But if the young goldfish don’t dismiss the question, they are about to reawaken their awareness of something they have taken for granted.
Contrary to the popular myth, frogs placed in a cool pot of water gradually brought to a boil will jump out before being cooked.
It is critical that we all do this from time to time.
How can we humans wake up to more of our environment?
Holding the sky lantern while the air warms up
***
I’m going to talk now about negativity. I’m doing it for a really positive reason, something that brings me a lot of hope.
To make this more interesting, I predict that 5% of folks reading this are about to have a “What’s water?” moment.
I’ve been asking myself a lot lately, “What if I trusted my own thoughts?”
Until my 40s, more often than not if I had a thought or an intuition, I did not:
trust it,
believe in it,
or take action on it most of the time.
Even today, as I write this essay about negative self-talk, I am feeling afraid that readers won’t like it, and won’t like me as a result.
I’m doing it anyway because I feel that it is important to share, and I’ve learned to trust myself.
I’m doing it anyway because I’ve become aware of the negative thoughts that fill and surround my mind, like water.
And I’ve become aware that these negative thoughts do not come from me, and do not reflect the reality of who I am.
I’m motivated to share this story with you because I’ve noticed how disabling these negative thoughts can be. Whether from a mental-health perspective, an environmental perspective, or in terms of being effective at being you every day, healing negative self-talk has huge benefits.
Here are examples of negative thoughts and patterns that I’m very familiar with in my mind:
I’m going to mess it up.
I’m going to say the wrong thing.
No one wants to hear what I’m going to say.
Don’t bother sending emails to people, they don’t want them.
I’m trying too hard.
Even if I mean well, people won’t like me.
Here are some more specific applications of negative self-talk that I’ve experienced and that I believe are quite common:
I’m ugly. My body, or a specific body part, doesn’t look as good as so-and-so’s.
I’m fat.
I’m behind the learning curve.
I’d like to get a new job but I’m lucky to have this one.
Let’s pause here and acknowledge that thoughts like these can feel true. They might even be true in a specific way that makes them seem true overall.
Maybe so-and-so is really smoking hot, and I don’t see myself ever having that body. As a result, I convince myself that my thought, “I’m ugly,” is a true one.
This starts a negative downward spiral. Folks suffering from body dysmorphia (including common eating disorders) know it well. One of the harms that can unfold here is that your infotropic mind heeds your command and tunes out information that would wake you up from this trance. This is where the “boiling frog” metaphor does have some truth.
Feeling the buoyancy of the hot air
For example, I once had a boss who emotionally abused me and threatened to make my life difficult if I didn't sign on the dotted line. But since they treated most of the other employees well and seemed nice, and since the abuse only occurred in one-on-one meetings, in a soft voice, no one else was aware.
And in fact, I wasn’t consciously aware of how bad it was until I had left. While I was there, I spent a great deal of time (and energy) tuning out my true thoughts about the badness of the situation as much as the young goldfish tuned out the water. I replaced them with, “I’m lucky to have this job. I can’t make more money elsewhere.”
In my experience it’s only after leaving a bad relationship that one starts to become aware of the water and you think, “Wow, I put up with that? What was wrong with me?”
Nothing was wrong with you. You survived. And now that the abuse is over, your infotropic brain is making you aware of it to avoid for the future.
My parents drilled into me, “You can’t be perfect.”
I’m not alone. This same belief seems to be reflected in one of the foundational stories of our culture, that of Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden.
And it’s true, we humans are flawed. But if we’re all flawed, what does the idea of “perfection” even mean?
We only learn by making mistakes. So if mistakes are part of the learning process, should we have a different word for them?
Here are some other similar patterns I’m familiar with. What all of these have in common is that I might be messing up, but messing up is normal.
Looking back at something I’ve written or a conversation, and noticing all the things I’d do differently next time, and concluding that I suck and should never write again, and should never again try being vulnerable in conversation.
Feeling I'm behind the learning curve.
Having an idea for a business venture but not starting because I’m sure it will fail.
All of these patterns are supported by a global thought pattern of not trusting my own thoughts, and not valuing myself as a person.
Here are some mundane day-to-day ones:
Feeling like I’d like to take a nap, but that I shouldn’t.
Feeling like I’d like to sit down and write, but I’d better clean the litter box instead because I said I would.
Feeling like I don’t want to go to an event, but that I should.
I’ve noticed that if I listen to my own intuition and do the thing I really want to do, things often work out better.
How often have you been overwhelmed in your life and forced to call a friend to reschedule your plans with them, only to hear relief in their voice when they admit they felt the same way?
Here are two more negative self-talk examples that, like water for goldfish, I can tend to take for granted.
Having a conversation with a friend where I share a lot about myself, and then feel guilty and apologize to them for taking up so much space. Instead of accepting the gift I have been given, I feel unworthy and push it away.
Choosing a mate based on qualities I wish I had, for example, “I’m so lucky to be dating so-and-so, since they’re so funny, kind, beautiful, etc.”
That last one can be similar to the bad-boss scenario. It’s loving and kind to appreciate your partner for qualities you appreciate. But are you putting them on a pedestal?
At times when I feel my partner is better than me, I'm at risk of tuning out my awareness of my own good qualities. By putting myself down, I feel discouraged from investing in thoughts or activities in which I would grow. That in turn can lead to stagnation, and accepting stuff in the relationship that doesn’t work for me.
Release
***
I’ve seen the difference. When myself and my friends and loved ones:
trust our thoughts,
are more fully aware of our environment and trusting of our intuition,
and trust our actions,
we can grow in self-expression, healthy self-confidence, and joy.
I believe in you.
What’s water for you?
Do you relate to any of these thoughts in opposition and elation (from Latin elat- ‘raised’) to the self?
I would appreciate hearing from you.
P.S. Writer David Foster Wallace uses the goldfish story as an opening to his celebrated 2005 commencement speech, What is water? It’s worth listening to in full.
Warmly,
Tristan Roberts
Quill Nook Farm